27 Februar 2013

Transcript. StevenWright. AStevenWrightSpecial. HBO. 07Sep1985.

1.     Thanks.
2.     I got a postcard from my friend, George. It was a satellitepicture of the entire earth. It said, "Wish you were here."
3.     I was doing peyote when I took my SATs. I got eighteenhundred.
4.     Went to court for a parkingticket, I pleaded insanity. I said, "Yourhonor, why would anyone in their right mind park in a passinglane?"
5.     Curiosity killed the cat, but, for a while, I was the suspect.
6.     When I die, I am going to leave my body to sciencefiction.
7.     I was arrested today for scalping lownumbers in the deli. Sold them for twentyeightbucks.
8.     I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.
9.     I like to bring a flashlight to the movie just to have all the rows moved down for no reason.
10. I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
11. I was walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me and I didn't hear it. Is there any question?
12. Feeling kind of hyper.
13. Went to a hardware store and bought some usedpaint. I was in the shape of a house.
14. I also bought some batteries but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
15. What do the batteries run on?
16. Why is the alphabet in that order? Because of that song? Guy who wrote that song wrote everything.
17. Why is it a penny for your thoughts, but you have to put your twocents in? Somebody is making a penny.
18. I like to tease my plants when I water them. I water them with icecubes.
19. When I talk to myself, it bothers people because I use megaphone.
20. Every once in a while, I like to stick my head out the window, look at up at the sky and smile for satellitepicture.
21. It's my birthday recently. My birthday. I got a humidifer and a dehumidifer. Put them in the same room and let them ["]fight it out["]. Then I filled my humidifer with wax, now my room is all shiny.
22. I went to a museum where they had all the arms and legs of statues in the other museum.
23. I had trouble going home, because I parked my car in a towawayzone. When I came back, the entire area was gone.
24. So I walked. Everywhere is in walking distance if you have the time.
25. They should iron this.
26. I used to work for factory where you make hydrants, but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.
27. I used to be a proofreader for skywritingcompany.
28. Years ago, naturalorganichealthfoodstore in SeattleWashington. One day, a man walked in and said, "If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?" I said, "I don't know. Let me ask Tony."
29. Two days later, I was fired for eating cottoncandy and drinking straightbosco on the job.
30. So I figured out to live the area. I had no ties there anyway except for this girl. We had conflicting attitude. I wasn't really into meditation. She really wasn't into being alive.
31. I told her I knew when I was going to die, because my birthcertificate has an expirationdate.
32. I decided to leave and go to California. So I packed my SavadorDaliprint of two blindfolded dentalhygenists, trying to make a circle on an etchsketch.
33. And I headed for the highway and began hitching. Within three minutes, I got picked up by one of those huge trailertrucks, carrying twentybrandnewcars. He opened the door, the guy said, "I don't have too much room in here. You want to get into one of the cars in back?" So I did. He was really into picking, because he picked up nineteen more. We all had our own cars. Then he drove ninetymiles an hour, we all got speedingtickets.
34. I had the photograph on my license outoffocus onpurpose. So, when the police stop me, they go, "Here. You can go."
35. Sometimes, you can't hear me because sometimes I'm in parentheses.
36. I've bought some powderwater, but I don't know what to add.
37. I went to this strangest sweepstakes. It's a contest. You pay fiftycents, you get a card, there's a number on it. You go up to any stranger. You scratch a panty on his head. The number on the head matches your number you have, you win onehundreddollars. I won twice. I was beat up eleventimes.
38. I'm saving the money because I'm planning trip to Spain. So, I bought an album that teaches you the language, put the album on, put the headphone on, and you learn the language while you sleep. During the night, the record skipped. When I got up next day, when I woke up, I could only stutter in Spanish.
39. When I go fly, I fly inAirBizarre. It's a good airline but the combination is in onewayroundtripticket. You leave anyMonday. They bring you back the previousFriday. That way, you still have the weekend.
40. I'm going to court next week. I've been selected for juryduty. It's kind of insane case. Sixthousandsants dressed as rice and robbed a chineserestaurant. I don't think they did it. I know a few of them and they wouldn't do anything like that.
41. I lost a buttonhole. Where am I going to get a buttonhole?
42. I stayed up one night, playing poker with tarotcards. I got a fullhouse and four people died.
43. I have a telescope on peephole on my door, I can see who's at the door at twohundredmiles. "Who is it? When is it going to be when you get here?"
44. I got an answeringmachine for my phone. Now, when I am not home, somebody calls me up, they hear the recording of busysignal.
45. I like to leave messages before the beep.
46. Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time, my mind went all the way to Phoenix, ordered a meal, I couldn't pay for it.
47. I have a map of theUnitedStates. It's actual size. Says 1mile=1mile. People ask me, "Where do you live?" I say, "E five." "Where do you live?" "E five." [Last summer, I folded it.]
48. I bought one of those little glassbowls with snow in it. You turn it upside down, you turn it back it starts snowing. I bought one. Except the one I have little plow in it and comes out and does pilates. It's kind of like it.
49. Last night, I was in a bar and walked up to this beautiful woman and I said, "Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different colors of socks." I said, "Yes, but, to me, they're the same because I go by thickness."
50. Then she said, "How do you feel?" I said, "Well, you know, when you're sitting on a chair. You lean back. You stand on two legs. You lean too far. You almost fall back. Just the second, you lost yourself and you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time."
51. I broke a mirror. My house was supposed to get sevenyears of badluck but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
52. I finally went to the eyedoctor. I got contacts, but I only needed them when I read, so I got flipups.
53. I keep them on my desk right next to my typewriter. I have the oldest typewriters in the world. Types and pencils.
54. Under my bed, I have a shoebox. A little telephone that rings. Whenever I get lonely, I open it up Just a little bit and I get a call. One time I dropped the box all over the floor and it wouldn't stop ringing. So I had it disconnected.
55. I got another phone, though. I didn't have much money. I had to get nearregular phone. It had no five on it. The phone no number five. I was walking down the street. I bumped into a good friend of mine. He said, "How come you never call me anymore?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My phone has no five on it." He said, "That's really weird." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know. My calendar has no sevens."
56. I got up the other day, everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. Couldn't believe it. Called my friend "Here, look at this stuff. It's all exact replica. What do you think?" He said, "Do I know you?"
57. I bought one of those little glassbowls with snow in it. Just checking.
58. The human body is made up of ninetyeightpercent of water. That means everybody is exact far away from drowning.
59. I live in a house which is on the medianstrip of driveway. It's good. I like it. The only thing I don't like is, When I leave my house, I have to be going sixtymiles an hour.
60. One night, a jet flew a little bit close to my house. I was walking from the living to the kitchen, the stewardess told me to sit down.
61. I was cleaning out my closet, I found an old bathingsuit that I made out of sponges. I remember one time, pool, and I left. When I came back, no one could go swimming until I came back.
62. In my bed, I have a nightlight. I have a search nightlight. Goes back and forth across the room like this. If I have to go to bathroom in the middle of night, I have to time it so I don't get caught.
63. I was walking my dog around my building on a ledge. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
64. I have a threeyeardog. I named him Stay. He was a lot of fun when he was a puppy, because I call him and say, "Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay." And he would go.
65. He's a lot smart than that now. When I call him, he just ignores me and keeps on typing. He's anEastGermanShepherd.
66. My girlfriend has a queensizedbed, I have a courtjestersizedbed. It's red and green and it has bells on it. The ends curl up.
67. I woke up one morning. She asked me if I slept good. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
68. When I was a little, I had a backyard. We had a quick sandbox. I was an only child eventually.
69. One time, the police stopped me for speeding. He said, "You know, the speed limit is fiftymiles an hour." I said, "Yeah, I know, but I wasn't going to be out that long."
70. I used to be a waiter. I was fired for clearing tables. I was clearing them for takeoff. I had them lined up outside. People thought I was an outdoor café. I said, "No, he's leaving at three."
71. They would have fired me anyway, because I told them I think they should wrap around the straw on the inside, because that's the part you don't want get dirty.
72. I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
73. I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
74. I like to fill my topup with water, and turn the shower on, and act like a submarine that's been hit.
75. And I hate it when my foot falls sleep during the day, because that means it's going to up all night.
76. When I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parkingspot, sit in my car, and count how many people ask me I'm leaving.
77. Can't remember the rest. Now, I'm having amnesia and déjàvu at the same time.
78. When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was re-reading it. It said, Day one, still tired from the move. Day two, everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.
79. Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at fivethirty in the morning, I knew I couldn't do that. So, I slept with my skis on.
80. When he came at five o'clock in the morning, he couldn't wake me up, so he carried me out of the house, put the keys in, put me to the roof, drive to the mountain. Seventy miles an hour, I woke up. I had this bizarre dream that I was skydiving horizontally. I'm sure that's happened to you.
81. I spilled spotremover around my dog now. He's gone.
82. I got up this morning. Couldn't find my socks, so I called information. I said, "Information?" She said, "Yes." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "Behind the couch." And they were.
83. I got tired of calling up the movies and listen to the record of what is playing, so I bought the album.
84. Last time I went to the movie, I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was, Concessions prices were outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a barbeque in a long time.
85. I went to the synagogue. Adults, fivedollars, Children, twofifty. I said, "All right, give me two boys and a girl."
86. One time, I went to a drivein in a cab. The movie cost me ninetyfivedollars.
87. I went to a place that said, "Breakfast anytime". So, I ordered frenchtoast during theRenaissance.
88. I just ["]gotoutof["] hospital. I was in a speedreading accident. I hit a bookmark. Flew across the room.
89. I've been doing a lot of painting. Abstractpainting. Extremly abstract. No bursh, no canvas. I just think about it.
90. One time I went to a museum. All the work in the museum had done by children. They had paintings hung up on refrigerators.
91. I left the museum. I was walking down the street. I saw a man that had woodenlegs and realfeet. He asked me, "You know what time it is?" I said, "Yes, but not right now."
92. The icecreamtruck in my neighborhood plays HelterSkelter.
93. I called the wrong number today. I said, "Is Joey there?" A woman answered. She said, "Yes, he is." I said, "Can I speak to him, please?" She said, "He can't talk right now, he's only two months old." I said, "All right, I'll wait."
94. One time, in the middle of a jobinterview, I took out a book and started reading. The guy said, "What the hell are you doing?" I said, "Let me ask you one question. If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your lights on, do they do anything?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "Forget it, then, I don't want to work for you."
95. I have never seen electricity. That's why I don't pay for it. "I'm sorry. I haven't seen it all month."
96. For a while I didn't have a car, I had a helicopter. I had nowhere to park it, so I just tied a rope to it and leave it running.
97. There's a pizza place near where I live that only sell slices. You go up there and there's a guy throwing up little triangles.
98. Today, I was. No, that wasn't me.
99. Yesterday, I saw a subliminal advertisingexecutive just for a second.
100.                I am writing a book. I have the pagenumbers down, now I just have to fill in the rest.
101.                I wrote a song, too, but I can't read music, so I don't know what it is. Sometimes, I turn on the radio and say to myself, "I think I might have written that."
102.                I've written several children'sbooks. Not onpurpose.
103.                Whenever I'm around little baby, I always write down the noises he's making, so years later, I can ask him what he meant.
104.                First time I read a dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.
105.                I'm learning how to play the harmonica, but the only way I know how to play is to drive onehundredmiles an hour, put a harmonica in my hand, stick my hand out the window. I've been arrested three times for practicing [it].
106.                Last time I tried to commit suicide, it was about an hour ago. It's down the street on the roof of this very tall building. I ran and leap up, accidentally triple back and standing on my feet. nobody saw it but two kittens. One of them said to the other one, "See? That's how you do that."
107.                A while ago, I had no electricity in my house. I had no light. I couldn't see what I was doing. Good thing my camera had a flash. I was going around my house like this. I had to make a sandwich, I took sixty pictures of my ketchup. Neighbors called the police. Thank god there was a lightning in my house.
108.                My house is made out of //wood. No one is home across the street except for little kids. I come out and lift my house over my head. I tell them to stay off my yard or I'll throw it at them.
109.                I put tape on mirrors on my walls, so I accidently walk through another dimension.
110.                I had one of those oldfashioned type sinks. One faucet for the hot water, one for the cold water. Shower is like that, too. I have to keep running back and forth.
111.                I put instant coffee into a microwave, now I almost go back in time.
112.                I put a new engine in my car and didn't take the other one out. I can go fivehundredsmiles an hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
113.                I took the headlights off and put the strobelights on. So when I drive at night, it looks like I'm the only one that's moving.
114.                I like my dentalhygenist. I think she's very pretty. So, whenever I have my teeth clean, when I'm in a waiting room, I eat an entire box of Orioca case. Sometimes they have to cancel the rest of the appointments.
115.                When I couldn't sleep, so I get up. Then I got hungry and went down the store. When I got there, guy outside twentyfour hours. He said, "Sorry, we're closed." I said, "What do you mean, it's closed? The sign says twentyfourseven." He said, "Not in a row."
116.                If you can't have everything, where would you put it?
117.                The other day, I got on an elevator. This old guy got on with me. I pushed four. I said, "Where are you going?" He said, "Phoenix". So I pushed Phoenix. Doors open, two tumbleweeds blow in. We step off, we're in downtownPhoenix. "You know, you're the kind of guy who really like to hang around."
118.                He said, "I'm going out to desert. You want to go?" I said, "Sure." We hopped in this car and started driving out to the desert. He told me he spent most of his life working on a researchproject for theGovernment, trying to find out who financed the pyramids. They worked on it for thirtyyears, they paid him an incredible amount of money. He told me he was pretty sure. It was a guy named Eddie.
119.                We got to his house. Five hundred miles in the middle of the desert. Phone rings. He said, "You get it." I said, "All right." I picked it up. He said, "StevenWright?" I said, "Yeah?" He said, "This is Mr. Haynes, your StudentLoan directed me from your bank." I said, "Yeah?" He said, "You're sixtytwobankpayments behind. Found out today we received from the institue. None of the seventythousandsdollars we loaned you. We'd really like to know what you did with it." I said, "I'm not going to lie to you. I gave it to a friend of mine named JigsCasey. He built a nuclearweapon with it. I'd really appreciate it if you wouldn't call me anymore."
120.                I have several hobbies which I enjoy to the fullest. I have a large seashellcollection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.
121.                I also collect rare photographs. I have two very rare photographs. One of them is, Houdini locked in his keys with his car. The other one is a rare photograph of NormanRockwell, beating up a child.
122.                [I was in MuseumOfNaturalHistory in NewYork[City]. Accidentally, walked into ladie'sroom. They said, "It's all right, he thought it was an exhibit."]
123.                [They get all upset. Women, can't live with them, can't shoot them.]
124.                Friday, I was in a bookstore. I started talking to this very frenchlooking girl. She was bilingualilliterate, she couldn't read in two different languages.
125.                My bus came in and I get on. Sat beside this beautiful blondechinesegirl. I said, "Hello." She said, "Hello" I said, "Isn't it an amazing day?" She said, "Yes, it is, I guess." I said, "What do you mean, You guess?" She said, "Well, things haven't been going too well for me lately." I said, "Like what?" She said, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you." I said, "Yeah, but, sometimes, it's good to tell your problem to an absolutetotalstranger on a bus." She said, "I've just come back from myanalyst and he's still unable to help me." I said, "What's the problem?" She paused and said, "I'm a nymphomaniac and I'm only turned on by jewishcowboys." Then she said, "By the way, my name is Diane." I said, "Hello, Diane, I'm BuckyGoldstein."
126.                When I first moved to a house, there was a switch on the wall that didn't control any lights or anything. I just flick it up and down every once in a while. About a month later, I got a letter from a woman inGermany, saying, "Cut it out."
127.                I have a microwavefireplace. You can lay out in front of the fire for the evening in eightminutes.
128.                For a while, I lived in Vermont with a guy named Winnie. We lived in a house that ran on staticelectricity. We wanted to cook something, we had to take our sweater off real quick. We wanted to run a blender, we had to rub balloons on our heads.
129.                I thought I was a procrastinator until I met Winnie. Winnie got a birthmark when he was eight.
130.                All Winnie did all day was to practice limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug. People come over and say, "What's that?" I said, "That's Winnie."
131.                About sixmonths after we moved, I looked outside my window, I saw a bird with sneakers. He wore a little button that said, "I ain't flying nowhere." So I opened the window and said, "What's your problem, buddy?" He said, "I am sick of this stuff every year. It's the same thing. Winter here, summer there, winter here, summer there. I don't know who thought this up. But, certainly, it wasn't a bird" "Well, I was just making breast. Come on in. Do you want some eggs? Sorry."
132.                Stones. I love theStones. Can't believe they're doing it after all these years. Watch them whenever I can. Fred and Bernie.
133.                Last summer, I drove across the country with a friend of mine. We split the drive, we switched every half a mile. Whole way across, we had one cassette tape to listen to. Can't remember what it was.
134.                We were in SaliniUtah when we were arrested for not going through green light. We pleaded, Maybe. I asked the judge if he knew what time it is. He told me. I said, "Nofurtherquestions."
135.                For absolutely no reason, I went to Canada. I was feeling good. I just received my degree in calciumAnthropology. The study of milkman.
136.                We were driving to the border, back into theUnitedStates. They asked me if I had any firearms. I said, "What do you need?"
137.                I was traveling with my friend, George. Some people think George is weird because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think he's weird because he has false teeth but he has braces on them.
138.                Last time I went camping, I accidentally borrowed a circustent. I didn't know it until I got there and set it up. People complaining because they couldn't see the lake.
139.                There was a forest nearby. It wasn't just any forest. I was a forest where they get penhandle. It was a long thin forest.
140.                My friend, George, is a radioannouncer. When he walks under a bridge, you can't hear him talk.
141.                My watch is threehours fast and I can't fix it. So I am going to move to NewYork.
142.                Couple of night ago, I came home very late. It was next night.
143.                I was having a little bit of trouble, getting into my apartment. Accidentally, I took out a car key and stuck it in the door, turned in, and the building started up. So I drove around a while. I went too fast and the police pulled me over. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here."
144.                I parked in the middle of the highway. I ran out the frontdoor and yelled, "Get the hell out of my driveway."
145.                Nobody lives in the building knows building have been moved because everybody who lives in the building is absolutely insane. Man who lives above me desgined synthetichairballs for ceramiccats.
146.                A woman who lives besides me tried to rob a departmentstore with pricinggun. She walked in and said, "Give me all the money in the vault or I'm going to knock everything down in this store."
147.                It's a good apartment to live in because they allow pets. I have a pony. I have a shetlandpony named Nicky. I like to ride him in my apartment. I have to flip up album or I don't know how to listen to stereo. Want to make a sandwich, I ride into the kitchen, he slides on the tiles, he falls down.
148.                Last summer, he was involved in bizarre electrolysisaccident. All the hair was removed except the tail. Now, I rent him out to Kushner family in Peking.
149.                Last. Whenever I move this, glass breaks.
150.                Last night, I had a dream. All the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
151.                I was Zizillianborn [?]. Can't really tell? Although, whenever I leave the house, I go through the window.
152.                Friend of mine named Dennis is a parent of a midget. But he's not a midget. He's a midgetdwarf. He's this big. He's a guy who poses for trophies.
153.                The girl I'm seeing now, I met her in Macy's in NewYorkCity. She was buying clothes, I was putting slinkies on escalators.
154.                [guitar acoustic, start]
155.                The girl I'm seeing now, her name is Rachel. She's a very pretty girl. She has emeraldeyes and longflowingplaithair.
156.                Last weekend, we went up camping, way up in Canada. I don't know how she did it, but she got poisonivy on her brain. The only way she could scratch it was she thought about sandpaper.
157.                She's a rich girl. She's from somewhere else. And her father is an incredible millionaire. You know how he made his money? (How? How? How?) He's a guy who designed that little diagram which shows you which way to put batteries in something.
158.                Hey, hey, Rachel dear. How I wish you were here. Hey, hey, I can almost see you.
159.                Having sex with Rachel. It's amazing. It's like going to a concert, it really is. She yells a lot. She throws freesbies around the room.
160.                When she wants more, she lights a match.
161.                Hey, hey, Rachel dear. How I wish you were here. Hey, hey, I can almost see you.
162.                [guitar acoustic, end]
163.                I went skiing inEngland. It was a rarepackage. Twoweeks in england, onenight inConnecticut, twoweeks inEngland. "Yes, I'll take it."
164.                I got on this chair, I didn't know this guy, we went half up the mountain without saying a word. He said, "It's the first time I have been skiing in tenyears." I said, "Why did you take such long time off?" He said, "I was in jail. You want to know why?" I said, "Not really. Okay, you'd better tell me why." And he said, "I pushed a total stranger off the ferris'swheel." I said, "All right, my deal."
165.                Thank you very much. Thanks a lot.